


Lost and found

by Wolkje25



Category: Emmerdale, robron
Genre: Fluff, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, M/M, Reunion, Smut
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-03-13
Updated: 2016-03-13
Packaged: 2018-05-26 11:38:09
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 13,707
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6237088
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Wolkje25/pseuds/Wolkje25
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Robert loves Aaron and Aaron loves Robert. They both want to be more than just friends, but the shadows of their pasts and their fear of taking the last step into unknown territory holds them back. But maybe in time, they will get to the place they belong to be.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Lost and found

**Author's Note:**

> This is especially written for perfidasusy, happy birthday dear Susy! <3 I hope you like it!  
> I hope you all like it though! It took me long enough to write ;p  
> Anyway, Enjoy!

The trial was finally over. Gordon had been sent down and Robert had almost been just as relieved as Aaron had been when it was finally over. Eventually Aaron had won, eventually Aaron had gotten the judgement, he had ached for. They had celebrated in the pub, Aaron’s whole family present. Robert had been there too, but had kept himself sidelined, knowing Aaron needed to celebrate and be with his family. But at the end of the night, Aaron had sat down beside him and had thanked him for standing by his side and for being there for him through it all. Robert had just smiled and had told Aaron he was happy it was over and he was glad to see Aaron happy again. Aaron had lightly smiled at that, before he was called over by his mother and had returned to his family.

He got the chance to celebrate properly with Aaron though, when Aaron approached him in the pub two days later and put a pint in front of him, without a word, before sitting down. Robert knew that it was Aaron’s silent way of thanking him. They enjoyed their pints in silence, only commenting at something every now and again.

After a while Robert stood up to get two new pints and when he walked back, he tripped over a leg of a bar stool, which caused half of the beer to end up on his trousers and the ground. Robert cheeks turned slightly red in embarrassment, putting the, now half empty, pints on the table. He tried to wipe away the wetness on his pants, which he knew was a useless thing to do, until he was interrupted by a sound.

Aaron laughed. Laughed until his body shook with laughter and Robert tried his best to be furious about it. It occurred to him, though, that he hadn’t seen Aaron laugh like that in weeks. Months, even.

“I’m sorry, Robert.” Aaron said, still chuckling. “You... want me to help ya?”

Robert didn’t answer. Aaron’s laugh might be the one sound he loved and enjoyed most in all this world. Almost as much as he loved Aaron himself. Being the subject of Aaron’s laughter made something in Robert’s abdomen glow in quite a pleasurable way, which didn’t actually make sense, because Robert didn’t enjoy being laughed at in general.

“What do you wanna do about it? Take of my pants?” Robert commented, trying to keep his face serious, but feeling a light smirk crossing over his face.

“Might not be such a bad idea,” Aaron muttered under his breath, but just loud enough for Robert to hear him. Robert smiled lightly at himself before sitting back down and sliding Aaron’s glass towards him. “I’ll think I’ll stick around for just a while longer.” Aaron smiled lightly at that before nodding his head.

xXx

Aaron entered Victoria’s house. He had had a text from Robert, if he wanted to meet him for a drink. So here he was. But he wondered if there was anybody home at all, when he walked into the dimmed lighted room. He startled when he noticed Robert sitting on the couch in the barely lighted room.

“Robert?” Aaron just asked softly, wondering what was going on, feeling like there was something wrong.

Robert barely looked up by the sound of his voice, just moved his hand and held up a glass. “You want one?”

For a moment Aaron didn’t know what to say or how to handle the situation. Then he shrugged out of his coat and said: “Yeah, sure. Why not.”

Robert moved and poured him a drink from a bottle filled with golden brown liquid and Aaron realized why Robert had texted him, why he was here.

In the last months Aaron had come to know, Robert was brilliant at offering comfort in all kinds of situations and, at the same time, barely noticed when he, himself, needed to be comforted. He was protective, caring, patient, but it would be the worst mistake to think he couldn’t be dangerous. Because he could be, as Aaron was well aware off.

On the one hand, he could keep to himself, not revealing his true self to anyone, but on the other hand, he was an indescribably self-confident person. When Robert walked into a room, he took the space out of it and barely left enough air for Aaron to breathe.

Now though, Robert looked agitated, hurt even, and Aaron knew Robert needed him for a change. He just had no clue how to handle that, had never needed to do so before. Didn’t mean he wouldn’t try though. He cautiously hung his coat up and walked over to the couch. He sat down next to Robert, wondering if he was sitting too close or maybe not close enough to offer whatever Robert was expecting of him and took a small sip from the glass Robert had placed on the table for him. It was pretty disgusting, but then, Aaron was not sure if he was actually supposed to enjoy Scotch. He frowned. Robert was determinedly looking at the floor, not facing Aaron, who decided to do the same.

“The divorce has been finalized today,” Robert eventually told him after several minutes of silence.

Aaron immediately understood Robert’s mood, although he couldn’t ignore the discomfort which settled in his stomach. Aaron made a vague sound of acknowledgement. The silence, which was not exactly awkward but also far from comfortable, continued.

“Truth be told, I am a bit glad. That it’s… over. Finally.”

Aaron didn’t react, but tried to figure out what was going through Robert’s mind and observed him silently. Robert’s clenched jaw, his countenance, his body language. Aaron felt the unsettling feeling in his stomach rise.

Robert cleared his throat and bit his bottom lip before continuing: “That last appointment with our divorce lawyers-… I didn’t hesitate before signing the divorce papers. She didn’t, either. It was weird, because I… really used to love her. And now – you know how they say that when you properly talk to someone again after an extended period of time, you realize how much you’ve missed them?”

Aaron nodded, without a word. Something cold and entirely unpleasant started to rush through his body, making him feel sick to the stomach.

“I just… I realized that I hadn’t missed her at all. I felt nothing, nothing at all.”

The cold feeling abruptly stopped and Aaron tried to figure out what Robert was trying to say. But Robert just looked up at him and smiled lightly, but sadly. And Aaron read the emotions in Robert’s eyes, the confusion, the hurt, the relieve. And Aaron felt that connection again, that connection they had had from the moment they first met. Aaron felt like they were growing closer again, the way they had been before _everything_. Except this time, it felt a tiny bit more fragile, as if they were trapped inside a bubble that could burst with one wrong word, one inappropriate action. They had danced around each other with so much caution that Aaron felt like he would never be able to get back to that place, the place he deep down knew he wanted to be.

So instead of doing what he had wanted to do for months now, he just smiled back at Robert and took another sip from his glass.

xXx

“Nice!” Adam rejoiced when Aaron threw his third dart in the triple twenty. Aaron turned around, with a smile on his face and gave Adam a high-five as Adam walked passed him, as it was his turn to throw.

They were in the port cabin, playing a game of darts after a hard day of work. Aaron let his eyes focus on Robert, who was leaning against the wall at the other far end of the port cabin. He had shown up to get his monthly report and had stayed around to join Adam and him in a game of darts.

"See?" Aaron told Robert, his tone smug. "I told you I'd beat you."

"Respectable effort, sure enough," Robert replied, in that nonchalant voice Aaron knew so well, knowing he was trying to act as if he wasn’t impressed at all. "But we'll see if you're still saying that when the game's over."

"Trust me, I will be,” Aaron answered, strolling towards Robert and pausing in front of him. Ever since the trial, they had become close. It had been during the most difficult period in his life, he had come to realize, Robert was the most important person in his life. Ever since he had opened up to him about what his father had done to him, Robert had been there. Aaron had come to realize how deep and understanding Robert could be and how much Robert really meant to him. He just seemed not to be able to tell Robert, they could be more than friends, that he wanted that more than anything. But Robert didn’t seem to take things any further either, didn’t seem to share that feeling anymore, even though he had told him he would wait for him. It never went any further than some funny banter and meaningless flirting.

Robert smiled smugly at him, before he put his weight on his feet, pushing himself away from the wall he had been leaning against. His fingers traced a pattern of goose bumps against Aaron’s elbow as he leant in to whisper in his ear: "We'll have to see about that, won't we?"

Unwilling to let Adam, who had just turned around after throwing his darts, see how much Robert’s soft touch affected him, Aaron just smiled and said: "I guess we will." He was rewarded with a chuckle as Robert moved towards the throwing line and Aaron returned to his place against the wall, his eyes flickering towards Adam, who was looking at him. “What?”

“Nothing,” Adam replied, but his eyes wavered to Robert, before he moved towards Aaron and leaned next to him against the wall.

“I just…Are you sure that this is what you want? Getting involved with Sugden again?” Adam asked, his voice nothing but a low whisper.

“Whatdaya mean?” Aaron asked, frowning his forehead.

“Look, if you really want to be with him, it’s fine. You know I just want to see you happy and I know he changed. But are you sure you’re ready? After everything?”

Aaron’s eyes wavered to Robert, who just turned around, looking quite happy with himself and Aaron noticed he had hit the bullseye. Robert stopped dead in his tracks when he noticed the look in Aaron’s eyes and his face fell.

“We’re going for a pint. Want to join us?” Adam suddenly asked Robert. Aaron looked at Adam, wondering what his best friend was playing at, before looking back at Robert. He read something in his eyes he couldn’t quite place and wondered what was going on. Robert shook his head and Aaron could feel the disappointment settle in his bones.

“I’ll take a rain check, yeah?” Robert said. Aaron frowned his forehead as he noticed Robert’s jaw was clenched, but before he could say anything, Adam had put his arm around his neck and dragged him outside, leaving Robert all alone.

xXx

Robert was pacing in his room, trying to decide what he needed to do. If he should go or stay. If there was anything left to stay for at all. After everything they had been through, it was hard for him to still be ‘just a friend’. He had thought, hoped that Aaron would eventually tell him he was ready to be with him. Robert knew he had promised to wait for Aaron, but he was so tired of waiting and he was beginning to wonder if Aaron even still wanted to be with him. He was so hard to read and even though Robert could read Aaron pretty well nowadays, he had no idea where he was standing.

He knew he was being a coward and a pathetic loser, but he couldn’t do it anymore, couldn’t pretend that it didn’t hurt him more than he could ever tell anyone that Aaron was closer to Adam and his sister than to him. He hated to always be the fifth wheel on the wagon. He needed a moment to himself, he needed a moment to breath. And maybe Aaron needed a moment to breath as well, maybe he needed to give him the time and space to think about what he really wanted, without him breathing down his neck.

Robert exhaled deeply, before he grasped his suitcase from the top of his closet and put it down on his bed. He inhaled deeply again, before he moved and zipped his suitcase open.

Robert had just opened his empty suitcase, when Victoria strolled into his room and leant against the doorpost. She had probably heard the noise he had made, pulling his suitcase from up his closet. “What are you doing?” she asked demanding, but with a slight worrying undertone in her voice.

Robert didn’t turn around, but just opened his closet and pulled his shirts from the hooks. “Nothing, Vic. Just leave it.”

“Are you packing?” She sounded quite distressed now. “Why are you packing?”

Robert didn’t answer, just continued pulling his clothes out of the closet and putting them in the suitcase.

“Are you leaving?” Victoria asking, her voice filled with worry now.

For a moment Robert stopped with what he was doing, having heard the desperation and hurt in his sister’s voice and sighed deeply, before he continued folding a shirt. “I just need some time away from here,” Robert declared weary.

“Where is this coming from? What happened?” Victoria asked worried.

Robert sighed. “Nothing’s happened. That’s the whole problem.”

“Is this about Aaron?”

Robert shook his head, his sister knew him so well. “There’s no reason for me to stay,” was the only thing Robert said, unable to talk about Aaron.

“And what about me? What about Diane and Andy?”

Robert’s eyes wavered to his sister for a split second, reading the hurt and disbelieve on her face, before he looked away again and replied: “Andy’s got Chrissie now. You have Adam and Diane has Doug.”

“You can’t just run away from this, it doesn’t work th-”

“It is my decision!” Robert suddenly yelled, his piercing eyes landing on his sister. She looked utterly shocked by his outburst and Robert felt bad at once. He sighed and said, his voice apologetic: “I’m sorry Vic, but it’s better this way.”

“Better for whom?” Victoria shot back, the heat visible in her voice. “Because I know it’s not better for you or for me. And it’s definitely not better for Aaron.”

Robert felt his heart contract painfully, hearing Aaron’s name. “I’m leaving, Vic. And you can’t stop me.” He passed his sister to walk to the bathroom to retrieve his things, not looking at her when he did so. When he came back to his bedroom, Victoria was gone.

xXx

“What the hell do you think you’re doing?”

Robert was lifting his suitcase into the trunk of his car and looked up by the sound of that voice and noticed Aaron standing there, arms folded and a dark scowl on his face.

Robert just sighed, had dreaded and hoped he would see Aaron before he would leave. But he didn’t answer, while he manoeuvred the suitcase on its place and taking his overnight back of the ground, not looking at Aaron.

“You know what pisses me off?” Aaron continued, sounding quite furious and Robert wished for a moment he wasn’t in the middle of a street when Aaron was going to have a go at him.

“It pisses me off that after everything we’ve been through you still think you can run off without even telling me and think I would be okay with it. I needed to hear it from Vic, for fucks sake.”

Robert let his bag drop to the floor and put his hands on his hips. He could feel all his frustrations bursting to the surface. “Are you trying to tell me that I need your permission to leave?” Robert bit back.

“Yes,” Aaron answered at once, probably without thinking as he turned slightly red after his own words, but Robert was having none of it, was completely done with running after Aaron and still receiving the cold shoulder.

“You’re completely delusional,” Robert replied angrily.

“Yes, I probably am. And you’re the most selfish, arrogant prick I have ever met. But maybe you could think about me for an instant?”

“Thinking about you? You are all I’ve been thinking about the last months. You’re all I ever think about,” Robert spat out in agitation. Aaron opened his mouth in an angry reply, until Robert’s words seemed to sink in. Robert jerked in spite of himself, suddenly realizing what he had just said, suddenly having no idea what to say next, how to take his words back, knowing the timing for it was completely wrong.

“You’ve hurt so many people, Robert…”

Unbelievable. Robert huffed in exasperation: “For God’s sakes, Aaron, not _this_ again! How many times do we have to relive the past? I wish I could undo it, but I can’t. I’m sorry, okay?!”

“Yes, I fucking know you’re sorry! But for God's sakes, I spent months hating you for it… knowing what you’ve done.” Aaron paused, swallowed and settled his blue eyes on Robert again. “And... and everything that happened with... Gordon, the trail, I… Do you think that's easy for me? Do you think I can... go on as if nothing has...-” Aaron paused again, seemingly searching for the right words. Robert frowned his forehead, trying to understand what the hell Aaron was trying to tell him.

“You went and almost died on me," Aaron murmured after a small eternity. "I had to see you on life support, I almost lost you. I went to your room and told you to die on me and all the while all I-”

“You said, what?” Robert spoke up, shocked by Aaron’s confession and realized a moment too late that he probably shouldn’t have interrupted Aaron.

Aaron’s eyes darkened dangerously. He looked a lot like he was going to punch Robert in the face and Robert couldn’t figure out what Aaron was thinking, had never seen Aaron like this.

“You told me I was worthless! You told me what we had was nothing! Fucking hell, Robert! I didn’t want you to die! Of course I didn’t want you to. Don’t you dare think for a _fucking bloody_ second that I-”

“What else do you want me to think? You can’t just tell me you wished me dead and want me to forget about it moments later!” Robert yelled, knowing perfectly well that he was being rude and possibly a bit unfair. He found that he didn’t care. “Yes, I know I was cruel to you! I never should’ve said any of it and I’m sorry. I truly am. But I will not sit around, wasting my life, because suddenly I am not good enough anymore. After everything we’ve been through I think I deserve more than that.”

“I have been through hell,” Aaron shot back: “I’ve lived my whole life with this secret and suddenly everyone knows. The whole trial was a nightmare for me. The only reason I made it through was because of you. Are you entirely unable to grasp that I couldn’t possibly bear losing you again, you complete and utter _dickhead_?”

Robert could only stare at Aaron for a moment after Aaron’s confession, not knowing what to say, trying to comprehend what Aaron was trying to tell him. He took in a deep breath, trying to rationalize it, trying to calm himself. “You don’t owe me anything, Aaron. You’re not dependent on me, in any kind of way. Yes, I carried this burden with you, because I wanted to, because I knew you needed me. But you don’t need me anymore. There is no reason for me to stay. Is there?” Robert knew what he was doing, he knew he was asking Aaron to tell him otherwise, to give him some kind of hope.

Aaron licked his lips. Neither of them spoke and Robert could feel his own heart breaking in the silence. He nodded without a word and picked his bag up and turned around to put it in the trunk. Then closed the trunk after he was done. That was when Aaron started speaking again, making Robert turn back around.

“You know,” Aaron murmured, looking down at the ground. “You’re right. Absolutely right. It seems like I’m damned to lose every single goddamned person I have feelings for. What’s the sodding problem? It’s not like anybody else cares enough. Maybe I shouldn’t care either. Maybe eventually everybody… leaves me.”

Robert exhaled heavily, before looking at the car keys in his hand. That was not what he had wanted to attain with his words. Because even though he may not be the right person for Aaron, he realized that if there was someone in the world who didn’t deserve to be alone, it was Aaron.

Robert just wasn’t the one to make things right. His whole life, Robert had never been the one to make things right. He was the trouble maker, the one who used people and manipulated people and left a gigantic mess behind. He was not someone who put broken people back together. But he would try, though, for Aaron, like he had tried for the last few months.

It was rather scary, being in love like that, but then again, he’d never really had a choice.

He opened the trunk of his car, grasped his bag out of it, closed the car and walked back to Victoria’s house, without another word.

xXx

It had been awkward. They hadn’t talked for days after Aaron’s outburst and Robert had disappeared inside Victoria’s house without another word. If Aaron didn’t know any better, he would start to wonder if Robert was trying to avoid him. After a few days they did start talking to each other again and when they crossed paths, Robert was friendly and civil, but not more than that, maybe he was even a bit stand-offish.

But eventually they were both asked, Robert by Victoria and Aaron by Adam, to go paintballing with them and so they ended up in two different teams, trying to hit each other with their shotguns. Aaron was teamed up with Adam and although Adam had teased Robert for having his wife in his team, she turned out to be rather good in it and had outplayed them all.

Aaron and Robert had eventually ended up in their own battle and they had laughed and yelled at each other. The had become even louder when they hit one another with a direct hit. They hid behind objects and stayed there until the other found them and opened fire.

When they were done, they were still laughing, leaning on each other and making comments about how bad the other had been. Aaron took the helmet off he had been wearing and put it down, before turning towards Robert, a comeback on his lips. But the words died in his throat when he saw the look in Robert’s eyes. Robert took a step closer, invading Aaron’s personal space and Aaron’s breathing hitched as he wondered what Robert was doing. Robert reached out his hand and touched the side of Aaron’s neck and Aaron felt like his skin burned up where Robert’s fingers lingered on his skin for just a moment.

When Robert pulled back, his fingers were covered in blue paint and Robert was smiling lightly at him. Aaron was about to smile back, when suddenly Adam almost jumped on his back and the moment was broken.

They changed back into their normal clothes and headed towards the restaurant to grab something to eat. It was nice and Aaron enjoyed himself, felt really happy for the first time in ages. But when his eyes came to rest on Robert every now and again, he noticed Robert didn’t seem to enjoy himself and even seemed to force a laugh. He did his best to hide it and Victoria and Adam didn’t seem to notice, but Aaron saw right through him and it caused him to enjoy himself just a bit less.

Eventually Robert stood up, to get them all something to drink again. Victoria teased Adam with the fact he had lost from her and Aaron joined in, laughing ever so lightly by the look on Adam’s face. It took him some time to notice Robert hadn’t come back yet and when he looked around, he noticed Robert was talking to a woman, not so far away from them, the drinks on a tray in his hands. Aaron felt his heart sink and an unsettling feeling came to rest in his stomach when Robert smiled blindingly at the woman. He almost felt like he got punched in the gut.

When he looked away, he noticed Victoria was looking at him with a sympathetic look in her eyes and Aaron figured she knew what he had been thinking. Adam looked as oblivious as always.

When Robert reached them again, Aaron had the feeling his insides had turned to ice and his mood had turned for the worst. The real joy had left the air and Aaron noticed even Robert had picked up on it, as he was frowning lightly, presumably wondering what had happened in his absence. It was not long after, they left.

Aaron headed to the loo, while the others retrieved their coats and when he returned he saw the same woman walking away from Robert again. Adam and Victoria seemed nowhere to be found. Not in the mood to talk to Robert, he walked passed him, shoving into him when he did, ignoring Robert when he called his name.

He walked outside and stalked towards Adam’s car, noticing Adam and Victoria were already seated inside, until a hand on his arm stopped him and pulled him back. “What have I done now?” Robert inquired, with a puzzled expression on his face.

“You know damn well what you did,” Aaron hissed back, his voice a low groan.

Robert looked utterly confused for a moment, until it seemed to hit him. “You mean… God, Aaron. That meant nothing.”

“Yeah, right,” Aaron huffed out, before he turned around, staggered towards Adam’s car, opened the car door and disappeared inside. Robert followed his example moments later and sat down next to him in the back seat. Adam started the car and they headed towards Emmerdale.

“She did ask me out,” Robert announced after a moment of unbelievable heavy silence. “When you were in the men’s room.”

Aaron felt like he was punched in the gut. “Great,” he said, not quite succeeding in sounding disinterested. Aaron knew Adam and Victoria were pretending not to be listening, but also knew, they really were.

“It depends,” Robert replied. “I declined.”

The weight in Aaron’s stomach disappeared abruptly and was instantly replaced by a familiar fluttering. “Why?” Aaron asked, focusing his eyes on Robert’s face.

Robert clenched his jaw. He placed his hand on the backseat, pressing his fingertips into the fabric. His hand was shockingly close to Aaron’s and Aaron’s heart seemed to stop functioning for a moment. Robert’s fingers were twitching slightly, moving closer. For a brief moment, Aaron was almost certain he was going to place his hand on top of his own.

Robert exhaled heavily. “Just... because?” His voice hesitant, his answer sounding like a question.  
Aaron shook his head slowly, clenching his hands and turning away to look out of the window.

He could imagine things right this moment. Things that would inevitably turn out to go wrong. Aaron had dared to imagine things before and it had never ended well. Their relationship was so fragile right now. Even after everything he couldn’t be further apart from Robert as before the whole Gordon thing. He wouldn’t try this time. Just couldn’t. was too afraid what would happen if he did.

xXx

Four days later Aaron was making himself a sandwich, as he hadn’t had any chance to eat yet, when somebody knocked on the back door. Aaron frowned, wondering who that could be, as it was already past eight. He walked towards the door and opened it, to see Robert standing there. Aaron’s heart made that familiar fluttering, he would always connect with Robert.

“Hiya. Can I come in?” Robert asked, hesitantly.

Aaron shrugged his shoulders, before he turned around and walked back inside. He knew Robert followed him as he could feel Robert’s presence behind him. Aaron returned to his sandwich and Robert leaned against the counter.

“I am sorry about the other day,” Robert started, his voice soft and genuine. Aaron just nodded his head, knowing exactly where Robert was talking about. The last few days he had been too busy at the scrapyard to talk to Robert. At least that was what he was trying to convince himself of. Truth to be told he had known he should’ve apologized for his jealous behaviour, but at the same time was still mad at Robert over it. So now he had no idea what to say, couldn’t get the words over his lips.

“I would’ve come back, you know. When I decided to leave,” Robert spoke hesitantly from the place he was still leaning against the counter. Aaron’s heart fluttered up by Robert’s confession, but he didn’t do anything else than nod his head, letting Robert know he heard him.

“I didn’t want to pressure you. And I just…I thought I was,” Robert confessed quietly.

Aaron looked down at his sandwich and suddenly didn’t feel like eating it anymore.

“So, I guess I should go again,” Robert spoke up from his place, sounding like he didn’t really know what he had to do with Aaron’s silent treatment.

“I’m gonna order take-away. You want too?” Aaron asked, turning around to face Robert, knowing he didn’t want him to leave, finding he wasn’t really mad anymore.

“You’re serious?” Robert asked, as if he couldn’t quite believe Aaron had asked him that question.

“Well, yeah. If you want to,” Aaron replied. Robert’s smile told Aaron all he needed to know.

They debated on what they would order and finally decided on Chinese. Aaron found the order list somewhere under in a drawer and they both picked something from the menu and Robert made the phone call to order.

Aaron handed Robert a beer after he was done, before making his way to the couch and plopping down on it. Robert shrugged out of his jacket and sat down beside him.

“I am sorry too, you know, for the way I acted,” Aaron confessed, looking down at his beer bottle.

Robert chuckled at that and Aaron looked up at him. “It’s fine. Vic gave me a right speech. Told me I needed to learn how to behave myself. Didn’t even get the chance to tell her, she came on to me.”

“She did?” Aaron asked, his eyebrows raised.

Robert smiled at him again. “Yeah.”

Robert told him what had happened, how she had come on to him with the worst pick-up line he had ever heard and when Robert told him what she had said, Aaron couldn’t suppress a smile himself. Then the subject changed to Andy and Chrissie and Robert told him, Diane had had invited them to a family meal, which had been awkward at first, until Robert had proposed to try to be civil with each other and after that, the mood at changed for the better. Andy had even thanked him for being so grown up about the whole situation.

Aaron told Robert in his turn, he had visited his sister and Sandra and how he had spent the evening playing a board game with them. Robert had mockingly teased him about it and how he couldn’t see Liv playing a board game, ever. That was when the food arrived.

They ate on the couch, and surprisingly, it was not uncomfortable at all. They talked about the business, about Robert’s plans to get a new job. They talked about their family and friends and could make each other laugh over it. Aaron ate hardly any Chongqing spicy deep-fried chicken and stole more than half of Robert’s Kung Pao chicken instead. Robert attempted to stab him with a chopstick on three separate occasions, which made Aaron throw a piece of chicken at him, which got lost between the cushions of the couch.

As soon as they were finished, Aaron noticed two things at once. Firstly, there were little laugh lines around Robert’s eyes. Aaron couldn’t remember ever paying attention to them before, but admittedly, they were beautiful, it suited him. Secondly, there was a warm hand on his thigh. Aaron had no idea how it had ended up there, but he could feel the warmth from Robert’s hand spreading through his whole body. Robert looked like he had no idea how his hand had ended up there himself and Aaron knew Robert would pull it away in a few seconds time. Aaron realized he didn’t want that to happen. Feeling a lot like he was crossing a line, Aaron placed his own on top of Robert’s. The feeling of skin on skin felt amazing and made Aaron’s blood rush through his body. Aaron moved his thumb over Robert’s skin and he heard Robert’s breathing hitch in his throat.

Aaron pulled away when Chas walked into the back room and Robert retracted his hand immediately. Aaron told his mother they were only eating when she asked what they were doing, as Aaron stared into Robert’s eyes. Robert looked at him like he was worth something. Aaron decided that whatever on earth this was, it had to mean _something_ , anything at all, really, because if it didn’t, he would shatter into a thousand pieces, and nothing would ever be able to put him back together again.

xXx

Aaron entered Robert’s place, he still shared with his sister and Adam. Robert had invited him over for tea time. They did this often now, eating together after work, just enjoying each other’s company. They both tried not to make a too big of a deal out of it, pretended like it was the most normal thing to do. But they both had heard people talk about them behind their backs. They both had their family commenting on it every now and again. They both just decided to ignore it.

Aaron moved inside and noticed Robert standing by the stove, stirring in a frying pan. “What are you doing?” Aaron asked, happily surprised.

Robert looked up by the sound of Aaron’s face, a warm smile crossing over his features, making Aaron smile in return. “What does it look like I’m doing. I’m cooking,” he returned a moment later.

“What’s gotten into you?” Aaron said, teasingly.

“Funny. Now, come over here and give me a hand,” Robert commented, the smile still on his face, moving his head to beg him over.

Aaron smiled to himself, before taking off his coat and walking towards Robert, coming to stand next to him.

“Chop the onions for me. Think you can handle that?” Robert remarked smugly.

Aaron huffed out a laugh by the teasing tone in Robert’s voice, Robert’s eyes twinkling lightly as they looked into his direction.

Robert chuckled softly when he noticed the look on Aaron’s face. The world came to a halt for an instant, as Aaron noticed how Robert looked at him, and then continued to turn just like nothing had happened, when Robert returned his attention to the pan on the stove.

Aaron shook his head, trying to forget the moment, retrieved a knife and a cutting board and started chopping onions. Well, he tried. He ended up mostly squashing them.

To his surprise, Robert stopped with what he had been doing in favour of studying Aaron’s actions, which seemed to interest him infinitely. “What?” Aaron couldn’t help but snap, as his eyes were starting to water because of the onions.

But Robert didn’t answer, just stared at him and something in his expression appeared to be completely altered. Aaron noticed his hands were clenched and he was taking one deep breath after another. Even the slightest hint of amusement was gone, the shrimps on the stove forgotten.  
He looked like he was struggling with himself. Like he was trying to make a momentous decision.  
Then Robert frowned lightly and he turned away, the moment broken.

And Aaron couldn’t help but feel disappointed.

xXx

Aaron was shaking like a leaf. He was quite sure that he had never been this cold in his entire life. Robert, beside him, was shivering so violently that he barely managed to get the key out of his pocket and into the keyhole.

“Hu… hurry up, Robert. _Come on_ ,” Aaron croaked, wondering if he was going to collapse on the bloody doorstep as his body was shaking uncontrollably now and Robert still hadn’t opened the door to Victoria’s place.

“Shut up, f… fuck. Fucking… shit. I can’t move my f… fingers,” Robert stuttered, finally unlocking the door and nearly tripping over the threshold.

Aaron could hardly blame him as Aaron himself was so wobbly on his legs that it felt like his soaking wet clothes were actively pulling him to the ground. It was incredibly hard to walk. He followed Robert inside and into the living room.

“Get your clothes off,” Robert ordered when Aaron reached him, already pulling his own drenched grey jumper over his head and clumsily unbuttoning his shirt. Aaron stopped dead in his tracks when he realized what Robert was doing and what he had just said.

Aaron frowned, when Robert pulled off his shirt and Aaron was faced with Robert’s bare chest. Aaron could only stare at him for a moment, before a particularly intense fit of tremors shook his whole body. It took him a second to comprehend that he needed to get out of his wet clothing in order to prevent himself from slipping further into hypothermia. He shrugged off his hoodie, not even bothering to hang it up somewhere, then proceeded to get out of his T-shirt and trousers until his clothes were a dripping pile on the floor and he was standing there in his boxers.

When he looked up, Robert was staring at him and Aaron felt unbelievable self-conscious at that moment, because although his wounds had healed over the months, he knew some had left more scars on his body. But there was nothing in Robert’s eyes that betrayed his discomfort, he just smiled lightly at Aaron. Then Robert, equally wearing nothing but his boxer briefs, shuffled over to the couch and grabbed the blanket that was lying on the armrest. He tossed it in Aaron’s direction before staggering upstairs.

Aaron wrapped the blanket around himself and flopped onto the couch, trying to make himself as small as possible to hold onto the tiny bit of heat that must’ve been left somewhere in the core of his body.

Robert returned from upstairs, wrapped in another blanket and carrying an even larger, thicker blanket with him. Aaron wondered what he was about to do with it, when he walked over to him. Then it hit Aaron…

“Here, budge up,” Robert simply said and when Aaron failed to react in time, Robert bodily shoved him forwards before crawling up behind him. He pulled the thick, large blanket, he had brought with him, over the both of them, before settling back in. A moment later, their bodies were aligned, Robert’s stomach against the small of Aaron’s back and his face nuzzling into Aaron’s hair.

“Okay?” Robert asked quietly, and Aaron knew Robert was checking up on him if he wasn’t crossing a boundary. But Aaron was okay, more than okay really.

“Yeah,” he mumbled back.

xXx

After a few moments of squirming and writhing and shivering against one another, they were both as comfortable as their current situation allowed them to be, and Robert attentively locked his arms around Aaron’s midsection and, when Aaron didn’t pull away or tensed up, slowly rubbed his hand over Aaron’s stomach and chest through the fabric of the blanket to generate a bit of frictional heat.

“You’re such a complete nutter, it’s unbelievable,” Aaron declared after a moment of silence, voice still shaky. “I can't think of anyone else who’d be idiotic enough to think it’s a good idea to _walk_ back to the village after his car breaks down.”

Robert wanted to snap at that, then thought better of it. “What on earth am I supposed to say to that?” he grunted instead, from the spot where his face was buried into a large cushion. He made an attempt to pull the blanket even tighter around himself, which, at this point, was entirely impossible.

“I don’t know. How about: Sorry for making you walk ten miles in the pouring rain?”

“Well, I wasn’t the one who couldn’t fix the car, because _‘I don’t have the proper tools with me’_ ,” he retorted as sarcastically as he could manage in his current state of near-unconsciousness.

“Says the one who forgot to check his oil and engine coolant before leaving. What kind of a mechanic are you?” Aaron shot back.

“Not a very good one, I suppose,” Robert mumbled softly and he knew he had made Aaron smile, as he must’ve heard him. “I am sorry though, for making you walk in the pouring rain for ten miles,” he confessed softly, his voice sincere now.

“Already forgotten about it,” Aaron answered, his voice a little teasing and affectionate, which made Robert’s heart warm up. “Already getting warmer?” Aaron asked after another moment of silence.

“Yeah, a bit.” Robert’s lips were still trembling in a profoundly unwelcome way, but Robert couldn’t say he wasn’t comfortable.

It hit Robert that this was, without a doubt, the most intimate position they had been in, in months, even though there were several layers of fabric between them.

He had seen the scars on Aaron’s torso and stomach, the new ones just as much as the old and he had noticed the stiffening of Aaron’s shoulders. He had wanted to reassure Aaron, had wanted to tell him it didn’t matter, not to him. But he hadn’t said anything, didn’t know if it was still his place to do so.

xXx

Aaron allowed himself to close his eyes as Robert resumed his gentle rubbing at Aaron’s upper body and felt warm blood rush into his limbs, his skin becoming less numb with each passing second, his muscles slowly relaxing. It felt like being brought back to life.

It made sense that Robert was the one responsible for this sensation, as he always had been the one to do so.

“Good?” Robert muttered into his hair.

Aaron sighed content, then rolled over with some difficulty, so they were face to face, their faces so close, Aaron could count the freckles on Robert’s face. Aaron’s breathing hitched as he hadn’t been so close to Robert since their last kiss, which felt like ages ago. Aaron looked up into Robert’s eyes and read the question there, as if he was asking Aaron what he was doing. Aaron could feel the heat pooling up in his stomach as his eyes dragged down to Robert’s lips. Robert’s lips were slightly parted and Aaron wondered what Robert would do if he kissed him right now. Aaron looked back up into Robert’s eyes, seeking permission, something to tell him it would be alright, and Robert gave it to him without a word, without hesitation. So Aaron dropped his eyes to Robert’s lips again and moved in, brushing his lips feathery light over Robert’s. They kissed tentatively, softly, just lips whispering against each other, but Aaron could feel the warmth spreading through his whole body and for the first time in ages felt like he was doing the right thing, felt like coming home. Then Robert cupped Aaron’s jaw and kissed him properly, with enthusiasm, his tongue asking for a way in and Aaron gave it to him willingly.

When they finally broke apart, gasping for air because they both forgot how to breathe properly, Robert was chuckling softly, his eyes sparkling and Aaron couldn’t help smiling. Aaron decided that this was an exceedingly pleasurable way to warm up.

Then Aaron realized that at some point, one of Robert’s hands had slipped under Aaron’s blanket, which was now softly caressing his naked chest.

He looked up at Robert’s face and Robert moved in to kiss him softly, but reassuringly on the lips, before moving the blanket away from Aaron’s chest. Aaron’s blood pressure increased rapidly. He tensed up briefly, inhaled, determined that it was alright and let it happen.

Robert moved slightly and trailed a path of feathery light kisses on Aaron’s skin, until Aaron could feel him planting small, soft kisses on the damaged skin of his torso and stomach, again and again, until Aaron’s feelings were about to boil over, his hands shaking lightly as he buried them into the blanket.

Aaron shivered and he knew it was not because he was still freezing. “Don’t… do that,” he whispered, his body stiffening.

Robert looked up in confusion. “Why?”

“Because it’s not…I don’t...” deserve it, Aaron wanted to say, but he held it in, knowing what it must sound like.

But Robert seemed to read his mind, because his expression turned serious. “Yes, you do,” Robert contradicted very earnestly, turning Aaron’s face towards him, so Aaron had to look at him. “You are perfect to me, Aaron. Don’t ever forget that.”

Aaron felt the emotions welling up in his chest and he bit his lower lip, feeling quite overwhelmed by Robert’s earnest words. Aaron simply shook his head at this, smiling ever so slightly, tears welling up in his eyes.

Robert noticed at once as he crawled back up and lay down on his back, pulling Aaron into him, draping his arms around him to hold him close. Aaron trembled lightly, trying to get his feelings back under control. He inhaled deeply, relaxing slightly and exhaled again, trying to steady himself. He let Robert kiss his forehead ever so gently and he pulled Robert even closer, burying his face into Robert’s chest. Robert didn’t seem to mind, but just locked his arms around Aaron even more.

They lay there completely silent for several minutes and Aaron realized that this was the safest he had felt in months. He exhaled silently, wondering why he had fought so long against having this, having Robert beside him, holding him. He had been absolutely stupid to withheld himself from this. And all of a sudden, Aaron needed to touch him. Just for a moment, just to let Robert know what he was feeling without using words.

He pushed Robert’s own blanket out of the way and let his hand slide attentively over Robert’s collar bone and down his chest. Aaron could hear Robert holding his breath, but he just let Aaron continue, his body relaxed under Aaron’s fingers.

When Aaron’s finger traced over Robert’s bullet scar, Aaron stilled, suddenly realizing in full force what had happened to Robert, what he had gone through. He let his palm rest on top of it for a long moment, like he was trying to cover it, _protect_ it, and they both exhaled simultaneously. Robert’s hand closed over his and Aaron looked up into Robert’s eyes. Robert’s eyes were soft and reassuring. Aaron felt a small smile spread across his face.

Aaron lay his head back down on Robert’s chest and closed his eyes. He listened to Robert’s heart beating until he fell asleep, Robert’s arms wrapped around him.

xXx

Something had changed after they had shared that moment on the couch. They didn’t speak about it, but they both felt it. They spent even more time together than they had done before. There were more lingering touches, more longing looks. They weren’t just mates anymore, but Aaron had no idea what it was they were right now. They hadn’t spoken about it and Aaron had tried to deal with, just to go with the flow and to see where it would lead to, but sometimes he felt Robert’s eyes on him and Aaron wondered in those moments why Robert hadn’t taken the step for them to be more than they were at the moment.

So when he and Robert were making plans for that evening, sitting at the table in the back room of the pub, Aaron suddenly had had enough.

“So I thought maybe we could drive to Hotten and have some-”

“No,” Aaron interrupted, totally fed-up with Robert and his too modest attitude towards him.

Robert looked up at once, looking highly confused. “What?”

“I said, no,” Aaron repeated, feeling the annoyance grow in his chest as Robert kept on staring at him as if he was dumbstruck.

Then Robert seemed to understand what Aaron had just said, as his eyes filled with hurt and disappointment, before he mumbled: “Oh.” Robert looked like he was trying to process what was happening, because he frowned and asked: “Why?”

“I can’t do this. I can’t play pretend, when it’s obvious you are not interested in me anymore.” Aaron stood up from his chair and turned away from Robert, feeling awkward and unbelievable self-conscious for putting himself out there like that.

“Why are you-” Robert spoke, seemingly suddenly realizing where Aaron was talking about, because he stood up as well and stated: “I don’t want anyone else.”

“Yes, you will,” Aaron all but yelled, turning around again: “Eventually you will.”

“Where is this coming from? Why would you think that?”

“Because no one, could possibly want to be with me, knowing what happened to me! You definitely don’t seem to want to!”

Robert raised one eyebrow. “Yes, I do,” he informed him calmly, as if he had finally realized something.

Aaron’s heart started to race uncontrollably, by Robert’s determined words. He blinked, lowered his head because he didn’t want to see Robert’s face the precise moment this thing they had built around themselves during the last few months would dissolve into nothing. Aaron would never be able to replace everything Robert had lost and Aaron would never be able to make Robert see him the way he was seeing him now, as if he was damaged.

“I will never make a good replacement. I can try, but I will never be… her. I will never be Chrissie.”

“No, you won’t.” Robert snorted. “Thank God.”

For some reason, Robert’s answer irritated Aaron even more.

“So tell me, Robert. What am I to you? What can I possibly be? Even for a second choice I am indescribably pathetic. I will never be able to be more. I’m self-loathing and damaged and a complete mess. You’re doing a bloody marvellous job coping with … everything. You always have. I hope you spend the rest of your life patting yourself on the back for your gigantic self-sacrifice. But I don’t want you as just a friend. I don’t want you to stick around because you feel obliged to. I don’t want your fucking _pity_!”

He spat the last word out like it was something utterly disgusting.

Aaron still refused to look at Robert. Seconds passed and melted together. The heaviness of the silence pressed down on Aaron and he wished Robert would just say something, anything. As long as he would break this terrible silence.

When Robert did speak, his voice was low, sincere, but also filled with hurt, as if Aaron’s words had physically pained him: “You’re the one who keeps me sane, makes me feel loved. And you have done for a long time. I should have seen it a year back, but I didn’t.”

Aaron shifted his eyes to Robert’s face, surprised by his words. “You’re everything, Aaron. Never, ever think that I would choose anyone over you,” he whispered. “I made that mistake once. I won’t make it again.”

Aaron’s heart seemed to come back to life after Robert’s words. But it looked like, Robert wasn’t done speaking yet as he sighed deeply. “But I need you to be ready. I need you to tell me, you want this. I’ve been holding back, because I thought that, that was what you wanted.” Robert took a step closer, as if he read something in Aaron’s eyes, which gave him the courage to do so. “But if you are ready and you do want to be with me, just tell me and I’ll be yours.”

Aaron sighed, taking a step towards Robert. “Well then,” he mumbled softly, invading Robert’s personal space and looking up at him. Robert’s eyes were twinkling and filled with love, as if he was anticipating something, hoping for something important, waiting for Aaron to finally say it. Aaron smiled to himself and Aaron saw it in Robert’s eyes, the hope igniting in something else, something bigger.

“I love you.”

It felt like Aaron’s heart rejoiced the moment those three words finally left his own lips again. A warmth started to spread through his body as Robert’s eyes lit up with joy.

“Aren’t you going to say anything back?” Aaron asked, his voice soft and teasing.

“I had to wait more than a year for you to say it again. I think you’ll have to wait now,” Robert stated, although a huge grin had appeared on Robert’s face.

“Robert-,” Aaron threatened half- heartedly.

“I love you,” Robert answered, as if it was the simplest and easiest thing in the world. Then Aaron moved in and kissed Robert, because there was seriously nothing else he could do.

xXx

“You’re giggling.”

“No, I’m not,” Robert replied, defensively. He was currently lying on the couch, his head resting in Aaron’s lap. They were together now. They had both told their families yesterday, the day after they had become a proper couple. Not everybody had reacted as they had wished they would’ve, but they both knew they just needed to give it some time. Aaron’s family wasn’t so against it as they would’ve been months ago. So Robert was convinced that in the end they would learn to accept it.

They were watching a movie together and Robert had been enjoying himself immensely until Aaron had made that comment. He turned on his back, so he could look at Aaron and frowned at him. “I don’t giggle.”

“You giggle a lot,” Aaron teased, his eyes twinkling lightly. “You just don’t notice.”

“Shut up,” Robert replied defensively. “I don’t giggle.”

“Yeah, you do. Look.” Without further warning, Aaron poked a finger into his side. Robert produced an exceedingly embarrassing sound and squirmed. Aaron reacted by shoving his hands under Robert’s armpits and tickled him in earnest.

Robert pushed himself away from Aaron’s touch and sat up straight, which lead to Aaron jumping at him, making Robert fall down on the other side of the couch with Aaron on top of him. Aaron grabbed both his wrists and pinned them together so Robert couldn’t do anything except wiggle gracelessly in an attempt to escape Aaron’s touch.

Aaron seemed to enjoy himself immensely. “Oh my God. You’re actually ticklish,” he chuckled, teasingly poking at Robert’s ribs. Aaron’s cheeks turned delightfully red, and it would be a rather appealing sight if Aaron wasn’t in the process of physically molesting Robert. “You’re right. You don’t giggle, you _squeak_ ,” Aaron continued happily.

Robert was about to protest with vigour, but Aaron prevented him from doing so by straddling Robert’s hips, lightly pinching his belly, hips and thighs, succeeding in making Robert completely incapable of forming words. His ability to articulate was reduced to choked back chuckles. It was humiliating.

Robert struggled to free himself, before he would burst out in laughter, but Aaron was having none of it.

“Stop, Aaron. Aar-… stop, _stop_.”

But Aaron’s fingers were relentless. Robert narrowed his eyes and pierced them at Aaron in the most intimidating way he could possibly manage, knowing he was failing miserably.

“Say it,” Aaron teased, poking at Robert’s belly with a grin.

“W…what?” Robert choked out, desperately trying to suppress the laughter that was trying to force its way out.

“Say the word, Robert.”

“ _Please_ , Aaron. For God’s sakes, stop.”

Aaron laughed softly, before he obeyed.

Now that Aaron had stopped molesting him, Robert became aware of Aaron’s lean body bend over his. Aaron was still straddling him, his body pressed up against Robert’s. Robert could see the change in Aaron’s eyes and knew Aaron had realized this as well.

Aaron seemed caught up in his own thoughts as his eyes wavered over Robert’s face. A hand came up to touch Robert’s jaw and Robert leaned into the touch, his eyes fixated onto Aaron’s face. He knew what Aaron had been thinking. Aaron leaned slowly downwards and before Robert could even close his eyes, Aaron was kissing him. Robert closed his eyes, let Aaron lead and let him deepen the kiss, but couldn’t stop the moan that left his throat. Their tongues were moving slowly, lazily, and it felt delicious and languid and something in Robert’s stomach started to flutter pleasantly. Robert locked his arms around Aaron’s back and pulled Aaron flush against him. He felt warm, calm, covered by Aaron like that.

He had never experienced this amount of desire to be close to someone before. Right now, he would like to touch every inch of Aaron’s body, smell him, taste him, inhale him, making sure he was right here and safe, and it was a completely new experience to feel like that but pleasant at once. Aaron kissed him and Robert kissed him back with as much force as he could manage, moving his hands up and down Aaron’s body, holding onto him as Aaron moved against him, their cocks grinding together. It was happening so fast that before he could get a grip on himself, hot, liquid arousal flooded through his body. The sensation in Robert’s lower body expanded gradually, spread to every fibre of his body, and he needed _more_.

He pulled back, breathing heavily. “Aaron,” he whispered cautiously. “Maybe we should... Maybe we could take this upstairs?” It was a question, not a statement, it was hesitant and tentative and Robert’s heart clenched, waiting for Aaron’s reply.

“Yes,” Aaron replied, his voice lower than Robert had heard in a very long time.

xXx

Aaron opened the door to his bedroom and Robert followed behind and closed the door after he had entered. They locked eyes for a moment and Aaron knew it would be different this time. It felt different this time. It would not just be about sex, it would be about them. It would be like their first time, but without the emotional boundaries.

Aaron moved in closer, invading Robert’s personal space. He leaned forward and pressed his mouth to Robert’s lips, more a friendly touch than a real kiss, taking the first step. He pulled back and rested his forehead against Robert’s. Aaron could almost feel Robert smile, before Robert moved in and pressed their lips together once more. Robert lifted a hand to rest on the back of Aaron’s head, running gently down to the back of his neck. Aaron craned upward to press into the kiss, hand lifting to rest on Robert’s jaw, noses brushing. They shared firm, long pecks for a few minutes, lips dragging soft and slow together and Aaron couldn’t repress the shiver that ran down his spine, while Robert’s fingers curled against his jaw. They separated minutely, eyes locked, and Robert mumbled softly: “Are you sure?”

Aaron nodded his head. “I want this,” he replied, his voice hoarse. “I am sure.”

Robert’s eyes were soft, tender. He was still holding Aaron close, wordlessly encouraging him to take this further. His body language reflected patience, affection, an urge to protect. When Aaron looked at Robert, he saw something special. He saw Robert, all of him, and he was about to let Aaron have a part of not just his friendship, his devotion, his love, but also his body. His eyes were open and defenceless and _trusting_ , which, given that Robert didn’t trust easily, was undoubtedly the most miraculous gift of all.

Aaron found that he didn’t merely want to take what he was offered. He wanted Robert to take all of him, instead. He wanted to surrender himself completely, and it felt very important to do so.

Aaron moved in and kissed Robert softly, brushing his lips feathery- light over Robert’s, almost teasing, but affectionate at the same time. Then Robert’s lips parted and Aaron let his tongue slip inside the warmth of Robert’s mouth. The leisure in their movements vanished entirely when Robert started to kiss him back. Soon they were kissing hungrily, a warm, messy slide of lips and tongues that made Aaron dizzy and his body shudder with want.

Robert started to undress him slowly, dropped Aaron’s hoodie onto the floor, letting their kisses become more heated and frantic at the same time. He pulled Aaron’s T-shirt over his head, retracting himself for a split second, before reattaching his lips hungrily against Aaron’s again. He made short work of getting out of his own shirt, and Aaron barely noticed it was gone until Robert’s warm, naked chest was being pressed up against his.

“God, I missed you,” Robert muttered, his breath hot against Aaron’s lips as he slowly pushed them both towards the bed. Aaron let himself be pushed onto the mattress. Aaron pulled Robert down on him and Robert followed willingly, straddling him before kissing him again, and Aaron kissed back with as much enthusiasm as he could possibly muster. Robert 's breath hitched in his throat as he pressed their crotches together, moving his hips against Aaron, slowly, just a little bit. The liquid heat in Aaron’s lower body intensified and he moaned lightly, a barely audible sound of approval.

He reached for Robert’s belt and unbuckled it clumsily, his fingers acting on their own accord. Robert hummed in pleasure, breathed small sounds of encouragement down Aaron’s throat. He helped Aaron pull his trousers down and casted them off to the floor. The outline of Robert’s erection was clearly visible through his black boxer briefs, and Aaron licked his lips, needing to see it, he needed to see every bit of Robert _right now_.

But he didn’t get the chance, because Robert buried his face in Aaron’s neck, kissing the skin there, before Robert slowly slid down Aaron's body, kissing his shoulder, his chest, his stomach, making Aaron feel hot all over. Aaron arched his back a little as Robert sucked on one of his nipples, before softly nibbling at it and waves of pleasure ran down Aaron’s spine. Robert moved back up and kissed the soft spot somewhere behind his ear and Aaron moaned loudly.

Robert pulled Aaron’s belt off, unzipped his trousers. The pressure on Aaron’s erection vanished a bit, his hips jerking in reaction.

Robert pressed a kiss to the sensitive patch of skin right over Aaron’s hip bone. Aaron lifted his hips a bit and Robert hooked his thumbs into his waistband, pulling his trousers down along with his boxers, and then Aaron was naked and it occurred to him that he didn’t have the faintest idea where his socks had gone. But it didn’t matter because Robert was pulling off his own boxers and settled back on top of Aaron, pressing his hot, throbbing erection against Aaron’s. Blood rushed through Aaron by the feeling. It was too much and it was not enough. He needed to touch Robert, needed to be touched so badly…

“Look at you,” Robert muttered admiringly. And Robert’s voice was even a bigger turn on than anything else. His cock was lying against his stomach, flushed and red, almost achingly hard at that point. Robert’s eyes were glazed over with want, there was a sheen of sweat on his forehead and he smiled down at Aaron like he couldn’t believe that they were both here. That this was happening.  
Aaron breathed, spreading his legs a bit further so Robert could settle between them.

“My God, you,” Robert murmured, slowly trailing a hand over Aaron’s thigh and up his chest, bending forward to kiss him again. “You have no idea how incredible...”

Aaron interrupted him by pulling him in and kissed him hard on the lips and Robert kissed back. Aaron wrapped his arms around him and pulled him as close as physically possible. They both exhaled audibly when their erections were aligned without any barriers between them.

Aaron groaned and tilted his head back, giving Robert better access to his neck as Robert pressed more feather light kisses to his pulse point. He trailed his hands down Robert’s back until he reached his arse and let them rest there. Robert made a sound that could be a moan as well as a chuckle. Aaron squeezed a bit, and this time it was definitely a chuckle. He kissed it away and felt Robert’s hips pushing down against him.

Robert kissed every part of Aaron he could reach. The crook of his neck, his cheeks, his nose and his red, kiss-swollen lips. Aaron felt enveloped by him, like they had fused into one person somehow. It felt natural to start moving, to roll his hips cautiously. Robert reacted immediately, thrusting against him, their cocks sliding hot against warm, sweat-slick skin. They built a rhythm, thrusting simultaneously, and Aaron breathed small, non-verbal sounds against Robert’s skin. Robert clutched at the sheets with one hand and moved the other over Aaron’s body, whispering words that could’ve been confessions or declarations or nothing at all. Aaron felt their breathing becoming ragged, their movements becoming more urgent.

“Aaron,” Robert whispered tenderly, “God, I love you.”

I love you too, Aaron wanted to say, but he found himself unable to speak. He took Robert’s hand instead, twined their fingers together and squeezed a bit, looking up into Robert’s eyes. Robert smiled at him and Aaron knew Robert understood.

They kissed messily, rutting against each other faster, furiously, in need of friction. Aaron snapped his hips upwards, faster, more forceful and Robert groaned. Still they both needed more.

They both slowed down their movements, until they both had stopped moving all together. They both knew what they needed the most and Aaron reached over to the bedside table, retrieving lube and a condom out of it, throwing it on the bed, without much thought. Robert grabbed the bottle of lube, smirked at him as he slicked up his fingers and tossed the tube back on the bed. Then he gripped Aaron’s left ankle and raised his leg, draping it over his own shoulder and pressing a finger against his entrance, before slipping a finger inside, opening him up. Robert started to move slowly in and out and Aaron’s breathing hitched at the feeling. Robert suddenly pulled his finger back and Aaron almost wanted to complain until he felt two lubed fingers pressing against his exposed entrance and Aaron moaned as he felt them circling his entrance deviously.

Aaron fisted his hands into the bedsheets. “C’mon, Rob.”

Robert smirked smugly, knowing he had Aaron exactly where he wanted him. “Impatient, are we?”

“Fuck you,” Aaron commented hoarsely.

Robert chuckled and before Aaron could respond further, he plunged one finger in again and Aaron gasped. Not giving him any more warning, Robert added a second one and Aaron whimpered in slight discomfort. But as soon as the questing fingers located his prostate, the discomfort vanished, only to be replaced by mind-numbing, back-arching pleasure. Robert smiled victoriously and started up a rhythmic cycle of rapidly pushing in and pulling out. Aaron bit his lip to hold back the noises that were about to escape his lips and that gesture was enough to make Robert moan.

Robert continued to work his sweet spot with constant regularity, stretching him open and not stopping until Aaron was writhing desperately under him. “Please Robert… Just…”

Aaron moaned and had to close his eyes and press a heel of his hand at the base of his shaft to ensure he didn’t come right then and there.

“God Aaron, you look so hot like this,” Robert commented, his voice rough and low.

Quickly, Robert removed his fingers and positioned his hips closer to Aaron’s entrance. Aaron gasped as he was penetrated in one slow thrust. It wasn’t painful, but the sudden sensation of being so thoroughly filled up, came to him as a shock nonetheless. Robert held himself still when he was fully seated, leaning forward to brush his lips against Aaron’s once more. With Aaron’s left leg still slung over Robert’s shoulder, his other leg twitched restlessly as he tried to adjust to the discomfort.

“You’re okay?” Robert inquired, his voice filled with affection.

Aaron panted but nodded. He allowed Robert to kiss his lips and forehead and nuzzle his neck for a while until he felt ready to take things to the next level.

He moved tentatively against him, to give Robert a wordless head-go. Aaron gasped again as Robert pulled out just a little.

Robert closed his mouth over his again, tenderly, sucking on Aaron’s tongue just as he pulled out completely and pushed all the way back in. Aaron gasped and shuddered beneath him, but lifted his hips up to meet the thrusts with equal vigour every time, until Robert was buried deep inside him.

Aaron wrapped his right leg around Robert’s hips as Robert continued to thrust in and out smoothly, stroking Aaron’s insides and his prostate repeatedly. Aaron moaned with every thrust, and when Robert’s roaming hands finally found his cock, he groaned in pleasure.

Aaron was beyond all coherent thought by now. Robert started to stroke, brushing his thumb over the slit, spreading Aaron’s pre-come to slick up the whole process. Aaron couldn’t help but moan by the sensation, sucking in another sharp breath.

“God, yes,” Robert groaned, speeding up a bit, rolling his hips, slowly thrusting into Aaron, and Aaron felt the warm liquid somewhere in his gut beginning to build up.

He made a strangled sound, pressing himself tighter up against Robert’s body, rolling his hips, starting to fuck Robert’s fist helplessly, unable to stop.

“God, Robert,” he heard himself cry out. It sounded more broken and vulnerable than he could ever have imagined, and under different circumstances he would be embarrassed about it, but right now it didn't matter, nothing mattered anymore, except being here, _right here_ , with Robert.

“I’ve got you,” Robert whispered, his voice almost equally shaky.

Aaron gasped helplessly, his hips jerking uncontrollably as he thrusted into the tight passage of Robert's fist, again and again.

Robert sounded equally far gone, squeezing his eyes shut, trembling against Aaron as his thrusts became erratic, his hands shaking slightly. Robert fisted his cock in time with his thrusts, and he stroked hard and fast and firmly, just like he knew Aaron liked it. The dual sensation of his ass being thoroughly fucked by Robert, coupled with Robert’s very talented hand working his erection, eventually drove Aaron over the edge.

And then Aaron was lost, completely lost in sensation, in Robert’s body warmth, their contact, the breathy sounds Robert was making as his own orgasm approached. It was coming, like a wave, like a bolt of light that wanted to roll over him and claim his entire body, and Aaron didn’t try to resist. He thrusted into Robert’s fist once more, and then he let go, pressed his fingertips into Robert’s back, so hard that he might leave bruises. It crushed over him with so much force that he felt like it could send him flying. For an instant, he lost contact, he was disconnected from everything around him except for Robert, and he was still clutching whatever part of Robert he could reach. He gasped as he climaxed, emptying his release into Robert’s hands and his continued spasming around Robert sent shockwaves of pure, unadulterated pleasure up and down the older man’s spine. But Robert didn’t stop there. Robert continued to fuck Aaron hard.

Robert gripped Aaron’s hips for leverage, and increased the tempo of his thrusts inside Aaron. Aaron watched Robert fuck him with heated, darkened eyes. Aaron noticed the exact moment Robert let go, his body stiffening, before he shuddered and gasped, Aaron’s name on his lips. He collapsed onto Aaron’s chest and inhaled deeply, trying to get his breathing back under control as he came down from his climax.

Aaron didn’t move until Robert had come back to his own senses and pulled out of him, pressing a soft kiss to Aaron’s lips as he did so. They lay there in silence for a moment, their eyes closed, their breathing still accelerated. When Aaron eventually opened his eyes, he noticed Robert was looking at him, with so much love and devotion, it hit Aaron to his core. Robert smiled at him, his eyes twinkling brightly and Aaron smiled back, more timid, but just as loving. Then Aaron moved out of bed and retrieved a wash cloth from the bathroom

When Aaron returned he climbed back on the bed and washed the come of his body. Then he moved closer to Robert to do the same to him. “God, Aaron. That’s flaming cold,” Robert complained when Aaron cleaned him up with the wash cloth.

Aaron couldn’t keep the smile from his face, as he faked surprise. “Really? Sorry, didn’t notice.”

Robert shot him a look as if he didn’t believe him, but Aaron noticed he couldn’t suppress a smile either. “You’re an idiot, you know that?” Robert remarked, but his voice was filled with affection.

Aaron shook his head and just smiled. There was something about this man that made him want to treasure every moment they had together. Robert was the reason he was still alive, the reason he had made it through. He made his day brighter, made his heart a bit lighter. Robert was the only one Aaron needed, apart from his family. And it made him unbelievably happy he was finally his.

Aaron thought about getting up to put the wash cloth back in its place, then flung it to the floor instead, not willing to leave the bed again. He lay next to Robert, burying his face in the crook of Robert’s neck and sighed contently. He could feel Robert pulling up the sheets around them, before Robert pulled him just that bit closer. Moments passed, with them just lying there, just enjoying each other’s warmth and company, without speaking. Aaron was staring at the wall in front of him, realizing how true it was, that Robert saved him, in more than one way. But suddenly he felt like he had to tell Robert, because he had a right to know. He let Robert press a long kiss to his forehead, as if Robert had felt the slight stiffening of Aaron’s body. Aaron sighed deeply before he opened his mouth.

xXx

Robert knew that something was wrong when Aaron didn’t move, almost tensed up in his arms and Robert knew something was bothering him. He didn’t say anything, just waited for Aaron to tell him what was on his mind. Eventually Aaron broke the silence. “I wouldn’t be alive, you know. Probably.”

Robert’s mind went completely blank for an instant. “What?”

“I thought about it,” Aaron continued, his voice small: “When… Gordon came back. I thought about cutting myself too deep, just so it would be over.”

Robert swallowed. He knew this. That day Aaron had collapsed and he had rushed him to the hospital, Robert had known Aaron wouldn’t have minded if he hadn’t made it in the end. He had seen it in his posture, in that hospital bed. He had looked so hopeless as if he had looked at the shreds of his life and had resigned to his fate. Robert had just never expected him to spell it out like that.

“I thought... I thought I could just get it over with,” Aaron continued after a pause. “Then you came, and you just... listened to me and turned it all around, and... I’m just glad you were there to show me that there was something to fight for.”

Robert was still unsure how to react. Aaron must’ve started wondering if he was even listening.

“I’m just... I’ve been through a lot, Robert. I know you’ve heard that before, but- I always felt kind of... _clueless_. Life just carried on, I never really knew where I belonged. But now I do.”

Robert swallowed, he knew Aaron was in one of his talkative moods, one of his sharing moods, which was very seldom. “And where is that?” It sounded only marginally like a question, he kind of knew the answer already, but he needed for Aaron to say it out loud.

“With you,” Aaron told him quietly.

Robert took a few deep, very deliberate breaths, feeling the warmth spreading through his body.

“I just wanted to say that I’m sorry,” Aaron continued. “I’m sorry it took me so long to understand, to let you in. And I know you have your flaws, and you have a hell of a lot to be sorry for, as well, but I want you to know that I love you with all my heart, and I’m sorry I can’t be more than that. More than... the broken man I am.”

Robert realized he had thought he could fix Aaron, piece the broken pieces together, but he knew he couldn’t. But maybe that was not what this was about. Robert rolled onto his side to face Aaron. He touched the side of Aaron’s face and Aaron looked up at him, the emotions written in his eyes.

“Be broken, Aaron,” Robert told him, his voice deep and silky, coming from somewhere deep inside his chest. Aaron tilted his head and eyed him incredulously. His eyes were mesmerizing and Robert felt like he could look right into Aaron’s soul.

“Be broken,” Robert repeated: “And don’t think for a second that you need to be fixed.”

Aaron shook his head in disbelief, not responding, but Robert could see the tears in his eyes and Robert realized this was exactly what Aaron needed to hear. A few seconds passed and Robert waited for Aaron to have his emotions back under control. When Robert did speak again, he chose his words deliberately, which was something he rarely did.

“Be what I need, Aaron," he said tentatively. "Be so broken that you don’t need to fix me, because you’re just as damaged as I am. That’s what I want. That’s what I _need_.”

Aaron sighed, still looking incredulous, lips slightly parted, his eyes shining with unshed tears.

“We’re a right mess, aren’t we?” he rasped, finally, with complete and utter affection in his voice.

Robert agreed, smiling lightly: “We are.”

xXx

The next morning, Robert woke up with his arms wrapped around Aaron’s body. Aaron murmured incoherent into Robert’s chest and snuggled a little closer. Robert would never tell Aaron he did this, but it did warm up Robert’s heart. Robert looked at Aaron’s face. He looked peaceful, all the worry and lines gone from his face. Robert noticed he had become totally content himself, by the relaxed expression on Aaron’s face and his calm, rhythmic breathing. He had never thought he would ever see this sight to Aaron again, that he could ever be his.

Robert dared to trace a finger along Aaron’s upper arm, exploring, caressing each muscle underneath the warm layer of skin. When Aaron didn’t wake up, Robert felt safe to place a soft kiss on his forehead.

And as Robert pulled back and sighed contently, it hit him. With Aaron completely safe and at ease in his arms, Robert understood. He understood that he and Aaron could not be apart, and they never would be. He understood that one day, he would have a cottage here in Emmerdale and a dog and his hair would be greying, and he would need reading glasses, and he understood that when that happened, Aaron would still be there.

Robert tightened his grip around Aaron’s midsection a little and was rewarded with a soft, content sigh. He could feel Aaron’s heart beat against his own and he understood that this was what it all amounted to. That they were part of each other’s life.

This was not a temporary arrangement. They weren’t contenting themselves with less than they actually wanted. And Robert knew, they were both exactly where they wanted to be.

Later today, they would get up, maybe share a shower, have breakfast and bicker over the most obnoxious thing. Aaron would coax Robert into eating lunch with his mother, although Robert wouldn’t really want to. They might end up working at the scrapyard together, before going to the pub for a pint, meeting up with Victoria and Adam. In the evening, they would return home and they would watch crap telly, and Aaron would complain about it. At some point Robert would take Aaron’s hand and lead him to their bed where Robert would straddle Aaron’s hips and unzip his hoodie, and they would embrace and kiss and giggle and make love until they were whole and satisfied and reassured.

They would keep each other alive for another day.

_This was it_ , Robert thought, when Aaron stirred and opened his eyes slowly, sleepily, his eyes settling on Robert. The corners of his mouth twitched ever so slightly and Robert knew Aaron was about to smile, because he woke up next to him. _This was it_. And this time, he wasn’t letting go.

**Author's Note:**

> Follow me on tumblr: http://wolkje25.tumblr.com/


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